FIDELITY?!?
| Many gay
people, as well as straight people, define
"fidelity" in different ways. Often, these
various definitions become obstacles in relationships.
For Heinrich and Rudolph, the retired lovers, fidelity
means that one partner in the relationship never has sex
with anyone other than his lifelong partner. Tino and
David, on the other hand, see fidelity in a more relaxed
way. For them, having a sexual experience outside of the
relationship is acceptable as long as one is mentally
faithful to one's partner. Phillip and Matthias live a
quite open relationship. They are always free to become
intimate with new people, but in the end, they know each
is the other's permanent partner. Many men believe that
only a faithful, monogamous relationship will last a long
time. Others believe the opposite: that a gay
relationship will be more permanent when partners allow
each other total sexual freedom. What these examples suggest is that lovers must communicate their full needs to, and come to honest agreements with, one another about what is permitted and what is not permitted in the relationship. Even people deeply in love with each other may not think twice before taking someone else to bed. Whatever both partners agree to is acceptable. If both partners want absolute fidelity, then that's perfectly OK so long as both partners' needs are satisfied. Many gay men define fidelity in a totally different way than most heterosexuals. To many gays, fidelity often means being faithful to an "agreement" made with one's partner. Such an agreement may allow unsafe sex in the permanent relationship and an absolute safe-sex-rule in temporary relationships. Since the advent of HIV, absolute monogamy has become the goal for many gay couples. But can such fidelity eliminate the danger of infection? Or is that an ideal hope rather than a reality?
Fidelity demands complete commitment and honesty. Each partner must take full responsibility for the other. One slip and not only are you hurt, but your partner as well. Anger and disbelief will follow. And often the stability of the relationship will fail. Everyone involved is hurt and disappointed. Only when partners can communicate honestly and totally, and observe the rules of the relationship can unsafe sex be practiced. In any other situation, unsafe sex can be deadly. |
When you have sex with someone, you are also
having sex, in a way, with all your partner's earlier
partners. And he with yours! When you are ready for
sexual fidelity, should you abandon safe-sex-rules?
Before unprotected sex can be practiced, three months of
absolutely faithful lovelife must occur combined with
negative HIV test results.