Walls Colliding
Confusion slapped me when I was small. Then I grew up and still it was there and still is. But now I know. I know enough to know what the confusion was. Or what fear was embedded in my mind. Why I kept turning into things. Into masks. Pushing people away. Isolation. Why I was the only one in there. Why no one else could enter. Why I let him rape me as much as he could. As far as I'd go. Why I wanted to die so much. Not quickly, but as slowly as I could so enough pain could strike and equal to what I felt. No pain ever measured up. I began to vomit every pill I imbibed. My body- no room for scars. Too many already. Not enough space on my wrists, my legs, ankles- any place I could find where no one could see. So they wouldn't know I was dying. One day they'd just find me bleeding on the bathroom floor without notice or letter saying good-bye. That's how I figured it would happen. I'd stare at myself in the mirror. Carefully observing my face. How old it's gotten. How pale it's been. The dark circles surrounding my eyes. Imbibe enough drugs and the knife would land deep enough so I'd bleed. Enough blood so they couldn't save me. It was suppose to be all there. This whole scene. But it left me. The image. The dream. It left.

Not so long ago I realized that I wanted to die because I was a lesbian and was in tremendous denial at that time. All those years of staring at girls, wondering if it was a phase, thinking it was normal was because I was gay. I didn't want to confront it. I always thought I wanted to die because of my parents' over controlling power and that no one else loved me. It has been three years since then. And a year and a half since I came out to myself and friends. It took me that other 1 1/2 yrs. to finally accept my sexuality.

I looked up and she said, "So do I..." We hugged for a long time. I didn't feel so alone. I even fell in love with her. Who wouldn't fall in love with her? She was beautiful, smart, and a damn great snowboarder!

Then came my other friends. Who to tell and who not to tell. The strange part is that I told friends that I wasn't close to. Until now most of my close friends don't know. These new people that I've let enter my life are the best. They are very supportive and asks me questions. Now, that same rumor about Jaimie and Denise is going on about me and 2 of my close friends that I'm out to. The best part is that I am doing the lesbian movement for my history project; which I've recieved dozens of looks. Looks from my sister, my brother, and several "friends".

Coming out, I've learned one great line you could say to someone who is of the same sex and a stranger to you-- "Why do you want to go out with me?"

It doesn't mean all of my fears have gone away, but at least a little has left me.

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